Assorted Thoughts 15: Still At Sea Edition

• It would be an interesting project to author and publish a book that, while meritorious in its own right, has the ulterior motive of attempting to break Dewey Decimal classification as thoroughly as possible.  Add in an unrelated title, such as "Trolling Librarians for Fun and Profit," and see what bookstores and libraries do with it.
• As a descriptor of emotion, the phrase "atavistic monkey-rage" is sadly underutilized.
• I'll often say things that make sense only in context.  Sadly, sometimes even context won't help. Case in point: "If I were a girl and had social skills I'd be challenging you to gladiatorial combat for the right to date him!"
• The fact that my brain can come up with things like "Mail Order Bride of the Month Club" worries me a bit.
• Ménage àlbatrois: seabirds living in sin.
• Ironic statement of the day: I wish misfortune on those who lack compassion.
• Deus Ex is a great game.  However, I suspect I play it somewhat improperly.  While it's possible to simply tank up and slaughter everything in your path, it's generally suggested to utilize stealth instead.  And I do use stealth.  I use it to sneak around until I get the right angle to shoot someone in the head.  I could avoid all the guards and complete the mission unnoticed, but it's so much more gratifying to charge down the hallway expending about as many bullets as the average CIA-supported paramilitary group does in a year.  Of course, my sadism isn't completely unchecked.  I'll go through the first level without killing anyone, because one of the other characters gets upset if you murder every living being there, and I'd rather not disappoint him.  Soon, though, the tear gas grenades aren't being used to distract and occupy enemies as I run past so much as they are to temporarily immobilize them so I can pop them in the back of the head execution-style with my pistol (incidentally, about the only thing I've ever used the pistol for in that game).  I refuse to accept all blame for this, though.  If the designers really wanted me not to murder everyone in sight, they wouldn't have made the higher-level enemies so resistant to tranquilizer darts.  Also, it wouldn't be so easy to turn into a walking tank with rocket launchers, submachine guns, sniper rifles, and a god-sword that can one-hit-kill almost any enemy in the game.

Internet Brotherhood Week

I felt moved to create my own version of Tom Lehrer's song "National Brotherhood Week" to better reflect the conditions commonly found in my natural habitat, the internet.

=================

Oh, the Win folks hate the Mac folks,
And the Mac folks hate the Win folks.
To hate all but your own folks
Is an old established rule.

But during Internet Brotherhood Week, Internet Brotherhood Week,
YouTube and Liveleak are dancing cheek to cheek.
It's fun to eulogize
The people you despise,
As long as you don't ever let 'em type.

Oh, the pedos hate the furries,
And the furries hate the pedos.
All of my pervs hate all of your pervs,
It's as normal as hentai.

But during Internet Brotherhood Week, Internet Brotherhood Week,
HuffPo loves the Freepers 'cause it's very chic.
Step up and like the post
Of someone you'd rather roast.
You can tolerate him if you try.

Oh, Digg hates Reddit,
And Reddit hates Digg,
And the Goons hate the /b/tards,
And everybody hates Ebaums.

But during Internet Brotherhood Week, Internet Brotherhood Week,
It's Internet Don't-flame-one-another-hood Week.
Be nice to people who
Use different browsers than you.
It's only for a week, so have no fear.
Be grateful that it doesn't last all year!

Assorted Thoughts 14: Sent From A Boat 30 Miles Out To Sea (No, Really)

• Something I'd like to see: "Texting while driving isn't so baaflbkbfhfd -- Sent from my iPhone."
• My meds are there to, if not ensure sanity, then to at least ensure that you can see sanity on a good day, if you squint hard enough.
• It's hard to make some animals scary, no matter how hard you try.  To wit: would you be afraid of Mecha Bush Baby?
• Being bipedal would be a lot more fun if we had telescoping legs.
• I'm a tetrapod and I'm okay, I have four limbs, generally with five digits per limb, I sleep according to my physiology and ecological niche, and to make this rhyme there is no way.
• An appeal to sanity:
• I am an inveterate arguer.  But I've decided to opt out of the "Mac versus PC" debate, just like "cake or pie," and so on, because at this point it's just a bunch of fanboys screeching pointlessly.  As far as I can tell, this is the difference between Apple and Microsoft:
• Apple thinks it knows better than its users.  To be fair, judging from some of their successes with iWhatevers, they might often be right.  But it still can infuriate when they don't give you preference panes or hide folders with system files from your view.
• Microsoft thinks its users are idiots.  How else can you explain Clippy, the endless notification popups, and the existence of Internet Explorer?  You can do a lot with a PC, but it still grates when Windows decides you don't know about something you've done thousands of times before.
• I don't like the term "ex."  It has so many negative connotations.  What about those relationships that parted amicably and without hatred?  I therefore propose a new term to cover those that didn't end horribly: Romantic Involvements, or RomIns for short.

Notes From "The X-Files"

• I've been going through "The X-Files" on Netflix of late.  I haven't seen any of it before, so it's been an interesting experience.  Naturally, started with Season 1, and I'm up to Episode 11 of that season so far.  Granted, this is from 1993, but some of it is comically dated or just plain silly.

• Let's start with the opening titles.  It's pretty clear that the producers had no idea of the hit it would become, because the title cards look less like professional TV and more like public access at 1 AM.  I refuse to believe that even in 1993, this was the best they could do.

• As an overarching theme, the series thus far has an extremely pessimistic view of both humanity and the universe at large.  There's never any sort of happy ending or reconciliation.  Either something Else wants us to die horribly, or we're trying to kill It in some brutal fashion.  Usually one or both of these aims are successful.

• Agent Scully, we're 11 episodes in.  You've seen some really frickin' bizarre shit in just these few weeks.  Why, then, are you persistently refusing to even consider any of what's in front of your face?  For Christ's sake, I'm a devout atheist, but if a goddamn angel showed up in my living room once a week for most of a year, I'd consider reevaluating my beliefs or lack thereof.

• The gender roles are interesting, too.  Poor Scully is generally wrong.  Wrong, or easily persuaded by Mulder.  God I love the media.

• On the one hand, Mulder and Scully actually get shit done.  That's something to admire in a federal agency.  On the other hand, I sincerely hope there's absolutely nothing realistic about their methods, because good gods.  The due process, it does nothing.

• There's one episode about an evil computer artificial intelligence.  "Funny" doesn't begin to do it justice.  The "interface" is a bunch of red blinking numerals and a screen with psychedelic patterns.  It also built itself a voice synthesizer.  But… but… I remember computers in 1993.  They were more advanced than that.  One would suspect that a hyperadvanced, sentient AI would have at least cutting-edge technology.  It's nice to know, however, that the media's appalling lack of understanding of technology isn't just from the internet age.

• The "government connection" Mulder has is totally the model for Half-Life's G-Man.

• I'm getting the hint that at least this first season was done on an exceptionally low budget.  Apparently they could only afford one pair of glasses, which had to be rotated amongst the actors as needed.

• David Duchovny is exceptionally good at looking haunted.  Probably why they cast him.  He's also good at standing helplessly around while other people die or are dragged off to Neptune.

• The alien-hunter squads the military apparently runs are singularly ill-equipped.  Sure, they get some flak jackets, but they're carrying pistols.  Pistols.  The regular Army gets assault rifles, the elite squad gets peashooters.  They're also not carrying any of the good toys like night vision goggles or helmets.  Nope!  The only conclusion I can draw is that their security clearances have a limited shelf life and it's simpler to replace the casualties than it is to make sure these guys don't get a book deal.

• I can sum up the entire series in the words of a wise accomplice of mine:

• THAT'S NOT SCIENCE!

Don't Fuck With Russia (A Cautionary Tale)

I'm currently reading Barbarossa, a 1965 book by Alan Clark about the German invasion of Russia during World War II.  Some observations have come to mind during my reading:

• I generally think science is more fun than history, as a discipline.  However, history does have the tremendous advantage of being able to use phrases like this in a scholarly work: 
• "In the subterranean jungle of Nazi politics such a gesture had as little effect as a peacock spreading his tail feathers at a python."
• Unfortunate parallels to modern history:
• "No army which rests its quality on training, technology, and firepower-- as the German Army did-- should ever allow itself to be drawn into terrain where this quality is at a discount."
• The SS had a uniquely evil approach to naming its units.  The 3rd SS Division Totenkopf (Death's Head) is bad enough, but seriously, the 1st SS Division Leibstandarte Adolf Hitler?  Can you cram some more upsetting terms into a single name?  Why not just call it the "We Eat Kittens and Murder Happiness In Its Sleep Brigade"?
• Russian tactics early in the war can be summed up as "LEEEEEROOOOOY JENKINS!"
• "Here and there a few tanks accompanied trucks, crammed with soldiers, which simply drove flat out at the German positions until stopped by a direct hit."
• Just in case people forget why we now use "Nazi" as the basic reference point for evil, their plans for Leningrad after taking the city can be summed up in a few possibilities:
• "Level the town, make it uninhabitable and relieve us of the necessity of having to feed the population through the winter." -- Hitler
• Maybe evacuate women and children, seal off the place with electric fences and machine guns, let the rest starve.  If they try to escape, artillery.  -- the Wehrmacht
• Just kill everyone, so no epidemics can develop. -- a variety of people
• Maybe try not to brutally murder as many people as possible. -- absolutely nobody
• Classy folks, the Nazis.
• How a German commander's diary records the first encounters with the Soviet T-34 tank:
• "Interesting historical coincidence that Napoleon also took Vilna on 24th June. ... New enemy heavy tank!"
• To be fair, they didn't have the benefit of knowing exactly what that tank would end up doing.  If they did, I suspect it would have read more "OH FUCK SHIT SHIT FUCK SHIT."
• In terms of political infighting that impedes progress, the US Congress of today has nothing on the Nazi bureaucracy and Wehrmacht command.  That doesn't reflect well on either entity.
• The Nazis invaded the Soviet Union on June 22, 1941 (exactly 47 years before I was born!).  By the end of September, the Soviets had lost around 2.5 million men, 22,000 field guns, 18,000 tanks, and 14,000 aircraft.  Yet they still came back to kick Germany's ass.  What.
• That's like me amputating all of someone's limbs and pulling all their teeth, only to have them use their bleeding stumps to launch themselves at me and bite me to death with their bare gums the moment I turn my back.
• Don't fuck with Russia.

The Interesting People Of Craigslist

Sometimes I like to peruse the personals listings on Craigslist, because, to put it simply, people are insane.  Here are a sampling of some of the personals still listed today on the Humboldt County Craigslist.  Sadly, some of my very favorite ones have been removed or expired, so we don't get to read about "why y'all afraid of bbws" (seriously, that was an actual one a couple months back.  I may have gotten the spelling or lack thereof wrong, but you get the gist).  Do not despair, though!  There are still some entertainingly bizarre people who want your hot lovings!  Before you ask, no, I don't put my troll pants on and reply.  I merely observe and laugh.

• Some men are refreshingly direct. 

• Others are impressively confident.

• Some requests are remarkably specific, yet vague at the same time.

• Desperation is a bit of a theme.

• I really don't think that "Barely Legal and Confused" would make a good title for any gay porno.

• I made you a date but I eated it?

• Do you really think that if your mother sees your post, she won't be able to puzzle it out if you use 1337? 

• Of course, it's not just guys who want to get in on the Craigslist action.  Some girls know what they want, too.  In this case, that means "whit boys," possibly with "tats."  Punctuation is a turn-off.

• I guess Humboldt County doesn't have a big enough population to have enough garage band bassists for everyone.

• See what I mean about desperation?  This poor lady is so desperate, she's willing to settle for off-brand genuine guys.

• Again, though, others go right for what they want.

• And sometimes those wants are a bit disturbing.

•  Humboldt County has some stereotypes, and its residents will do them proud!

• Right, there's that other stereotype about the area too.

• Persistence isn't one of the local stereotypes, but maybe it should be.

• Vegetarian... hippie... redneck... hick... things?  Ah yes, Humboldt County.

• It wouldn't be the internet without flamewars.

• Or spambots.

• Spambots that incite parodies that are almost as bad, that is.

• Of course, there are a few truly reasonable posts. 

• (Shut up, I'm not a lesbian, I'm not replying)

Assorted Thoughts 13: Yep, Still On A Roll

• It's remarkable how PETA can make any worthy cause seem terrible.  There's an ad on the radio in Eureka referring to why you should bring your pets inside when it's cold.  That's fine.  What's not okay is the bit about "OR THEY WILL GET FROSTBITE AND DIE."  PETA, you really need to learn how to frame a message.

• Resolution: I will try to cut back on circumcision jokes.

• I will pay a slight price premium to obtain Febreze as opposed to other air fresheners, simply because I can say "I Febreezed the shit out of [object/room]."  Can't really make Glade into a verb that easily.

• Given that I work on boats, I don't know if my fascination with disasters at sea is very healthy.

• My life is one long game of Katamari Insecurity.

• The contents of my internal monologue described in run-on sentence form: "Dear gods my eyes are bleeding the walls are melting why did I take so much acid."

• I would watch a television show called "Teatime With Harrison Ford."
• This is slightly shorter than usual.  Bite me.  I don't do requests.