Assorted Thoughts 31: Just Because I Can Update Doesn't Mean I Should, But I Will Anyway

• XXX-Linked Dominant Traits: the genetic counseling porno.
• It seems like it would be fun to set up concealed speakers along some placid river used for rafting day-trips, and have them play banjo music as the rafts pass.
• There's only one place to go for your pop-Goth farmwear: Hot Topeka.
• Apparently, I am completely incapable of making any U-turn in my car without uttering a "wheee!" sound.
• My instinctual reaction of trying to break the fall with my foot after dropping something becomes rather more hazardous when playing darts.
• Tanning salons: you may have spent your whole life in Seattle, but dammit, this is America, and you can still look like you're trolling for cancer in LA.
• Relatedly, I want to start an anti-tanning salon chain that spray-paints its customers white.  Call it "Seattle Sun" and market it to budding Queen Elizabeth I impersonators and those who are just dying to be like Edward Cullen.  The joke's on them, though: they'll literally be dying, since the paint is made of white lead.  Historically accurate, kiddies!
• The phrase "It takes all kinds" is sorely tested when it comes to starting a mosquito breeding colony in your back yard.
• Wish I were making that up.
• The grad student house on Halloween: turn off all the downstairs lights and hope the marauding children don't notice us.  Get off my lawn, you damn kids.

Assorted Thoughts 30: Always More Weird

• I have been known to occasionally visit camwhore sites simply to watch the lunatics in the chats trying to convince themselves that they have a chance of actually getting anywhere with the "women" in the "live" videos.
• Things you see at the DMV:
• Clueless customers.
• Argumentative customers.
• Dead-eyed, hate-filled clerks who wish that the nuclear apocalypse would hurry up and get here so they didn't have to deal with this shit anymore.
• Obese women with skirts entirely too short for my sanity's comfort.
• People having conversations about how the cops didn't actually manage to find the safe with the drugs and money in it, and how the cops did ballistics evidence tests on her hands after she was arrested next to the body of some guy who got shot four times and spent months in a coma.  Also it's unfair when there are issues because your car got stolen while you were in jail and got towed and you can't sort that out easily.
• I didn't make that last one up.
• I have the worst luck in the world when it comes to picking seats at sporting events.  The person sitting behind me is ALWAYS some sort of shrieking idiot.  And sometimes it's a child.  I don't know why this is the case, but a shrieking idiot child is way worse than a shrieking idiot adult.  Is it the high-pitched wailing, or the fact that they have not yet developed the ability to recognize the existence and rights of other humans?  Or is it that they're more likely to kick you in the back repeatedly?  I don't know, but at least they're probably not going to spill beer on you.
• A student asked me recently how harshly I'd be grading something.  I answered "On a scale of one to forty lashes."  The confusion and fear in his eyes was truly beautiful to behold.
• Even after years of playing Starcraft, I'm still amused that the key combo to build a supply depot is B-S.  Fuck off, Adjutant, I don't need any more goddamned supply depots.  This is bullshit.
• I would like for someone to start a BDSM-themed comedy club and name it "Quips & Whips."

License Plate Bonanza

Virginia offers a truly absurd array of special license plates.  Over 200 at last count, I believe.  The phrase "There is a point at which this needs to stop and we have clearly passed it" springs to mind.  Here are a few of my favorite examples:

• I'd totally get the Harley Owners Group motorcycle plate if I owned a Yamaha bike.
• Sometimes, you need more than just purple sparkles and glitter glue to express how much you love pretty ponies.  Hence the Horse Enthusiast plate. 
• Frankly, if you survived Pearl Harbor and have documented proof of being on Oahu on December 7, 1941, I'm not really sure I want to be driving on the same roads as you.
• Would someone care to explain to me why the Commonwealth of Virginia is issuing license plates for state universities in entirely different states?
• The National Rifle Association plate is a wonderful way to show your support for road rage.
• Oh dear.  Now that I've seen this one, I might have to get it.  Quick, what's the URL of a shock site that ends in .com?
• I'm known as a "friend of coal" most times I open my Christmas stocking, sadly.
• This plate can be found on the horse-drawn buggies the veterans drive.
• I'm somewhat depressed that Jimmy Buffet fans are enough of a force to merit their own plate.
• A car license plate promoting bicycle use.  Go figure.
• Next time you go crashing through a crowded sidewalk market in your car, make sure you've got a bowling-themed license plate.
• This plate brought to you by Philip Morris.
• Firstly, "Clean Special Fuel" doesn't make much grammatical sense.  Secondly, I want to see a car with this on it hunt down and ram a "Friend of Coal" vehicle.   For added amusement, have it be Prius on Suburban crime.
• Choose life and bad font choices.
• I go for kids first, hence the bloody handprints on my bumper.
• To get the Masonic plate, you're required to show license, registration, title, and secret handshake.
• Normally, for the profession/association-themed plates, you need to show proof of membership.  There is one apparent exception, though.  Anyone want to be a Certified Public Accountant?

Assorted Thoughts 29: I Like Big Squids And I Cannot Lie

• If I ever live in Canada, I will keep an English dictionary in a glass-fronted cabinet in my front hall, with a placard reading "Break glass in case of Québécois."
• What with all the upset these days about the greed of big businesses and the fact our economy seems to be made of cotton candy, it's somehow reassuring to remember that once upon a time, grave robbing was a booming industry.
• As a rule, the more fervently your high school teachers try to get you to believe something, the more likely it is that it has no real-world application at all.
• At what point did the things on Laffy Taffy wrappers stop being jokes and start being cruel mockeries of humor?  Seriously, it's like they created these solely for the purpose of twisting children's idea of what's funny into something completely alien and horrific.  Some of the ones I've found in a package I bought today:
• "What do you get when you mix paint together?  A mess."
• "What time was it when the elephant sat on the chair?  Time for a new chair."
• "What has ten letters and starts with gas?  An automobile."
• Does anyone else get the feeling that this is part of a campaign to create a generation of gray-faced proles destined for nothing more than a joyless existence of work until death?
• A good rule for life when having to feed yourself: no matter how many pizzas are already in your freezer, if they are on sale, buy more.
• I went to my first field hockey game the other day.  It was deeply confusing, since as far as I can tell, the sport resulted from a horrible drunken night between soccer and ice hockey, and neither of them wants to think about it.  The sticks are malformed golf clubs, the refereeing decisions are apparently even more arbitrary than they are in most college sports (which is saying something), and the players have to wear skirts.  But hey, the right team won.
• Hands up all who are disappointed that there was nothing in this entry expanding on the title.

Assorted Thoughts 28: And Still I Post

• Harry Potter and the Philosopher's Stone as told by David Icke: "Yer a lizard, 'Arry!"
• Why I would make a terrible press secretary: "Good morning.  I'd like to open this conference by saying that I can neither confirm nor deny the persistent rumors that the Senator is actually Sir Mix-A-Lot in a very convincing disguise."
• "Were there such rumors?"
• "Well, if not, there certainly are now!"
• When studying for a test on biomes, there is only one choice for pump-up music: "Eye of the Taiga."
• I can't tell whether my lab section is amused or horrified when I explain gel electrophoresis by using disposing of a body as an example.
• I-95: Florida's urethra.
• On a related note, two vanloads of college students driving to the Florida Keys lowered the average age of the state by about two decades.
• Pitch for a new TV series: Doogie Hammer, MC.
• While it was never really a life goal, I'm still kind of glad that I accidentally bitchslapped a jellyfish and came out all right.
• Apparently, one test for being an early-stage independent adult is checking your online bank balance every few hours in hopes that your paycheck has appeared.