Assorted Thoughts 5: Slightly More Bitter Than Usual Edition

• Those who overuse steroids may be prone to roid-rage.  I am forced to assume that anyone overdosing on psychoanalysis is a potential victim of Freud-rage.

• Words that probably mean nothing good is going to follow: "Let us assume, for the sake of argument, that not everything is your fault."

• People are unfairly prejudiced against the ideas that come to me in the bathroom.

• I'm really Jesus.  You just can't see the holes in my hands because I suffer from astigmatatism.

• I feel like seeing an autotuned opera would be an interesting experience.  Once.

• There is no possible happy ending to a sentence starting "The internet told me that I could…"

• It is a bad idea to assume that any given goat is tame.

• If someone tells you that it can't be that bad, they are lying.  Especially in the case of asparagus.

• Idea for a women's t-shirt: two outlined handprints on the, um, chest area with the caption "Official TSA Training Dummy."

• I'm sure it says nothing positive about me that I prefer the taste of Mountain Dew: High-Fructose Corn Syrup Edition to the Mountain Dew Throwback made with real sugar.

• Completionist whores + TV Tropes = worst BEST idea ever

• Cannibalism: Fun for the whole family!

• Words needing to be used more often:
• Rampant
• Scurrilous
• Gristly
• No
• Idea: ruin Chik-Fil-A corporate luncheons by sending hang-gliding cows through the windows, then see if the ad campaigns they use change.

Assorted Thoughts 4: Revenge of the Assorted Thoughts

• I want to hack into the computer files for the TV networks that broadcast the Victoria's Secret Fashion show and change its title in all their graphics to the "Victoria's Secret Fascist Show."

• Can we stop pretending James Joyce is at all worth reading yet?

• Idea for a video game: Moral Kombat.  Make people with wildly different views on life fight for your amusement.  Kim Il-Sung versus Joe McCarthy should be hilarious.  Gandhi and Glenn Beck would also be a fun bout.

• Yes, in fact, I am secure enough in my manhood to buy issues of Cosmopolitan.  They're definitely for a friend, though.  Not me.  Really.

• There need to be more hats shaped like octopuses.

• I feel like blackmailing people to do as you say or you'll eat their children could be an effective means of communication.

• Q: A carnivore is trolling a vegan message board.  What is the appropriate response?  A: Use the branhammer.

• Movie pitch: "Attack of the Killer Vibrator."  The theme song is basically that from "Jaws," but on a kazoo.

• A book that does not exist and must never exist: "Prancing in Lansing: Bobby the Unicorn's Magical Child Abduction Manual."

Comments From A Road Warrior

• I never know whether to be insulted or thankful that I seem to develop large pockets of empty road around my car on the freeway.
• Long drives: because personal, roadable aircraft are sadly still a thing of the future.
• Caltrops are a boy's best friend.
• You know you have a problem when you see your headlights picking out reflectors in the center stripe of the road and you start thinking about draw distances.
• In retrospect, having "Highway To The Danger Zone" playing on the car stereo as I blasted through twisty mountain roads in the dark at 60 miles per hour may not have been the best song for establishing a safe frame of mind.
• "Ride of the Valkyries," however, is absolutely the best song to be playing.
• When explaining your travel plans to your parents, concluding by saying "Don't worry.  They'll never take me alive," will in fact make them worry.
• Given the volume of caffeinated beverages I consume while on long drives, it's as easy to measure distance by the number of bathroom breaks needed as it is to actually read the odometer.
• Why is everyone but me a terrible driver?  For that matter, why is everyone else going the wrong way on this one-way street?
• Idea for solving California's budget crisis: stop using three speed limit signs to cover every possible eventuality (65 for most, 55 for trucks with three or more axles, 55 for people towing trailers… all listed on separate signs a few meters apart).  Given how many signs there are on even the smallest road, this should save an amount approximately equivalent to the GDP of Bangladesh every year.
• 3 days involving long drives, 13 total hours in the car, at least 7 empty bottles of Mountain Dew rattling around the passenger side of the car.

Facebook Status Recaps

According to various Facebook status updates over the last three or so years, I am...

… the man with the strength of a dozen pygmy three-toed sloths.

… still of the opinion that you cannot prove to the satisfaction of the court that you are not "delicious when broiled and served over a bed of pilaf."

… convinced that in a horribly ironic karmic mixup, the Dalai Lama will be reincarnated as the next incarnation of James Bond.

… the once and future pangolin.

… the most belligerent pelican.

… the Jackson Pollock of fence painters.

… the definition of "TL;DR".

… forever aspiring to one day be a medical curiosity.

… a feature, not a bug

… now with 20% less OHGODSGONNADIEGONNADIE.

… watching you.

… an agent of entropy.

… the master of bizarre noises.

… Captain Pedantic.

… urging the oppressed drop-bears of the planet to rise up against their tormentors.

… a rampaging sloth.

… of the opinion that the best alarm call that a sentry could ever give would be, "Hide your sheep! The Scots are coming!"

… gurgling relentlessly.

… almost certainly not a catfish.

… tweaked out on caffeine approximately 73% of the time I spend awake.

… the God of Standardized Tests.

… dreaming of a day when coroners may be free to write "hyperlinks" as a legal cause of death.

… One with the Google.

… amazed at the amount of biodiversity that can be stepped upon.

… convinced that Mountain Dew verges on being a performance-enhancing drug for academics.

… a monstrous creature with caffeine for blood.

Hyperbolic Phrases I Wish Were Used More Often, Or Ever

• It was the biggest upset victory since the Christians ate the lions in the Colosseum in AD 93.

• I swear the thing was larger than the Indian subcontinent is after it's been dead and bloating in the sun for a few days.

• He was angrier than a steroidal Bruce Banner after the shirt bill arrives during the full moon and when Bruce has been dumped by his girlfriend and deported to Mogadishu.

• I'd hit it but get a BABIP of just .210.

• I think that was the worst idea since we gave bees submachineguns for arms.

• On the contrary, my dear sir, it's even worse than when the second grade took the class trip to the leper colony.

• That thought was deeper than the bottom of the Marianas Trench, if there was a guy with a jackhammer at the deepest bit who'd been drilling for like four years in the same spot and going as far down into the Earth's crust as he could go.

• This is the happiest I've been since I got drafted as bar entertainment for the nudist supermodel convention.

• That would be more difficult than getting a Tyrannosaurus and a chunk of gorgonian coral to produce viable offspring by means of sexual intercourse.

• I think he's dumber than a box of hammers that have been melted into slag and then lobotomized four times each.
• That depressed me so much I'm now being subducted back into the mantle.

And a bonus which is 100% true and not hyperbolic in the slightest:

• When the Red Sox won the 2004 American League pennant, I was so happy that I jumped off the couch, hit the ceiling with my outstretched arms, and broke a light fixture.

Ben's Helpful And Mildy Deranged Relationship Pointers

On making the first move: There's really no way in existence of making "first contact" that isn't in some way tremendously awkward.  Seriously, go look at the human-promotion propaganda that we sent out for alien consumption on the Voyager spacecraft.

On being informed of another's interest in you: Let's just say reacting with "Oh, shit" is frowned upon in polite society.

On expressing a reciprocal interest in one who is interested in you: "Me too!  Let's bang!" is generally going to be less effective than acting somewhat shy and demure, even if you're God's gift to promiscuity.

On gifts for significant others: We're apparently supposed to say it with flowers or the blood of impoverished Africans diamonds.  I say that's stupid.  While they make look nice until they wilt unto death (in a charming metaphor for humanity), flowers don't do much, really.  I prefer something more tangible.  Therefore, I propose saying it with artichokes.  They look almost like flowers, and are quite tasty as a bonus.

On refusing unwanted advances: Tell them "no," but if they persist, remind them gently but firmly that Grandpa's shotgun here has a hair trigger and you're a little twitchy at the moment, and it'd be mighty unfortunate if anything were to cause you to flinch.

On choosing a personal lubricant: Everyone differs in what they like, but this author has had promising results with Tiger Balm.

On actually talking a pretty girl: Mumbling incoherently while staring at your shoes is absolutely not the most efficient way to give them the message that you like them.

On breaking up: It's easy to show that you still wish to be friends with your soon-to-be ex.  If you move all your stuff and less than half of theirs out before they arrive home and the house is not on fire, it's assumed that you're not really angry at them, but just needed space.  However, if it's not you, it's them, a cleverly-concealed pitfall trap filled with punji sticks in the living room is probably the best way to get them to take a hint.

On happy living with a significant other: Why the hell do you expect me to have any input on this?

Mostly Cribbed From Conversations (Assorted Thoughts 3)

• I almost want to become a zombie just so I have an excuse to chew on people.

• I can't be the only one who wonders what person tastes like, right?

• I want to invent a Resurrection Machine purely to revive the Marquis de Sade and use him as a desk chair and conversation piece.

• I would sell my entire family into slavery if in return I could use a Tyrannosaurus as my primary means of transport.

• PepsiCo. has apparently decided that if you want to buy a six-pack of their products in bottled form, you want to drink a liter at a time (16.9 ounces).  This is a travesty.  When I want my Mountain Dew caffeine fix, I want to have at least 20 ounces for maximum twitchiness.  If you gave me the choice of preventing the carnage in Darfur or getting my radioactivity-flavored caffeine in a size larger than a liter, I know where my priorities lie.

• When ninjas need a sudden escape, they throw a smoke bomb and vanish in the confusion.  I take a similar approach when conversations turn in a way I don't like.  I say something incredibly odd and/or tasteless, and bugger off while people are still trying to figure out what the hell is wrong with me.

• Best TL;DR I've ever been able to use online: "TL;DR don't enable manwhoring."

• I've decided that in future, if I'm asked what my primary goal in life is, I'm going to reply "Minimal suffering."

Just Throw Me To The Lions Already

I am never one to shy away from controversy.  That said, this may provoke even more of a shitticane than usual, so let's just jump right in:

Fuck Skittles.

They're a terrible candy.  It's like someone decided to combine all the objectionable aspects of every sort of candy they could imagine into one small, strange-tasting, gummy little pebble.  There are so many things wrong with them.  Let's start with the wrapper itself.  It's not quite paper, not quite plastic.  Feels weird, tears oddly, and bothers me.  M&M wrappers are bad, but this is somehow worse.  Then we get to the candies themselves.  First off, the colors are somewhat off-putting.  I'm not sure that things the color of acid snot and antifreeze are really meant to be ingested, but these days artificial coloring is just what happens, so it's a wash.  Then they're just plain tiny.  That's fine for chocolate things, but not for something that seems more like it should come rolled up in a big spool.  Biting into a Skittle is a terrible experience.  There's the crunchy outer shell, which gets you to expect more of the same, but it suddenly turns to gum in your mouth and you get confused.  It tastes like bad, because it's really impossible to flavor a small piece of putty to resemble anything but artificial flavoring and possibly radiation.  While you're chewing on this lump of something masquerading as edible, it decides to have fun at your expense and do the Butterfinger trick of getting itself wedged in as many spots in your mouth as possible and hunkers down in there with the strength of a steroidal limpet.  So even after you think you're done with the packet of horrors, they linger with you for hours until you can work it all dislodged.  Before you tell me to just go brush my teeth, let me remind you that toothbrushes do nothing against the adherent forces of sugary aberrations.
So Skittles suck, and that's just the regular variety.  Let's not even start on Sour Skittles, which are better known as the best friends of interrogators at Guantanamo Bay.
I hate all that is good and pure in the world.

Textual Sound Bites (Assorted Thoughts 2)

• I recently had to transport a mattress to my apartment.  Given that I have a very small car, there was no way to put it inside, so I had to lash it to the roof.  I never got around to putting away the rope I used, so now I have a bunch of partly-coiled rope lying on the back seat.  By my count, I'm about three-fifths of the way to probable cause at this point.  More if one of the knives is in the car.

• Fun fact: the original trade name for ethanol was "Inhibitions-B-Gone."

• After reading some tracts the Jehovah's Witnesses kindly left in the laundromat near the apartment, I've figured out why so many Witness children are homeschooled: they're sweatshop labor, used to turn out the terrible articles for their terrible propaganda.

• What's the difference between Tim Tebow and a Lady Gaga CD?  The Lady Gaga CD gets playing time.

• Have you noticed that the book-based Re-Captchas before you can post some places are getting screwier over time?  I think that this point they've run out of real books and are trying to have the captive audiences of the internet transcribe the collected works of the proverbial thousand monkeys with typewriters.

• Normally I'm not a fan of Final Fantasy-style turn-based combat.  However, I can't help but think it would make dealing with illnesses a lot more entertaining.

• People hanging around with "Free Hugs" signs can be a bit creepy at times.  That said, I can't decide if seeing a sign with "Free Hugs - We Reserve The Right To Refuse Service To Anyone" would be better or worse.

• I'm all grown up now.  Out of college, an apartment, a real job, all that.  So what do I use to hang things on my walls?  Blue tape.

Psuedo-Liveblogging "Inglorious Basterds"

DVDs were pretty cheap at Target recently, so I splurged and picked up a few, including Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds.  I hadn't seen it before, but I'm well aware of Tarantino's reputation and have seen some of his films, so I was expecting something very warped, bizarre, and morbidly funny.  I thought it might be an interesting experiment to jot down notes regarding it, and the approximate times from the DVD track.  The following is what I wrote, but be aware, by its very nature, it's pretty much as spoilery as you can get:

==============

Loading screen: The FBI really needs to update their anti-piracy slide.  It's straight out of the '80s.

0:00:02 Rating screen says only brief sexuality?  Booooring.

0:00:56 Fassbender?  Dear Christ, I thought this was Tarantino.  I'm in for a world of hurt.  Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Fassbinder.  Carry on.

0:01:20 Omar Doom is an awesome name… for a supervillain.

0:02:00 "Once upon a time in Nazi-occupied France" is entirely nonspecific.  That was quite a while.  And depending on where in France you are, it might still be true.

0:02:10 Oh wait, now they say 1941. Disregard my previous comment.

0:04:something Subtitles make any film better to watch.  Right, fanboy/girl/things?

0:05:25 Herr Colonel, you're not a very intimidating stormtrooper when you ask for milk instead of wine.  Stop that.

0:06:05 Though the quaffing of the milk was pretty impressive.

0:07:00 Splitting the party never ends well.  Children, why did you go outside?

0:09:10 Angry Frenchman looks a lot like a lumberjack.  Maybe he's French-Canadian.

0:11:38 Bob the French Jewish dairy farmer.  I like this name.

0:17:05 That is the most ridiculous pipe I have ever seen.

0:21:44 Brad Pitt, make the accent stop, please.

0:22:00 The drill sergeants of these guys must have been faced with the choice of killing themselves in shame or getting rid of these recruits any way they can.  Since killing Army property isn't okay, the kids got shuffled off to a suicide squad.

0:24:05 Pitt's accent is already slipping in and out.  I'm in for a long movie.

0:24:22 I like the pimp-cape, Hitler.

0:25:56 The best way to make Hitler funny is to have him say "Bear Jew."

0:26:42 Hell yeah Ennio Morricone.

0:33:47 Tarantino, for all your flaws and they are many, you are one hell of a director when it comes to cinematography.

0:34:37 Brutal and twisted it may be, but I like the idea of toting a Louisville Slugger around France.

0:35:10 The Bear Jew is a Red Sox fan.  I'm not sure whether I'm proud or ashamed.

0:39:50 I'd like to take this moment to point out that even I'm better at hitting on people than this guy.

0:41:25 Oooh, the German private has a name.  What's the betting line on the horrific manner of death?

0:47:00 Even more ooh.  He's famous.  The odds of truly grotesque slaughter just skyrocketed.

0:48:15 I keep saying to myself "But they don't have probable cause to detain her!"  Then I remember that this is Nazi rule.

0:49:43 Yes, Mister Tarantino, we kinda get the idea of how jobs with Goebbels are handed out just by LOOKING at her.  Did we need to get the flapping and slapping?  Also animalistic grunts, apparently.  I feel like Goebbels would probably be a little too uptight for anything more than consensual sexual activity for the purposes of procreation in the missionary position and with the lights off.

0:53:00 Goebbels is a bit out of character from reality, I think.  Which is sad, because Hitler totally wasn't.

0:54:00 That bass was impressive enough in my earbuds.  In theaters, I bet there were a few cardiac arrests.

0:56:25 No reason to be anxious, except he's A MEMBER OF THE FUCKING SS.  It's like the Goddamn Batman, only genocidal and not at all like the goddamn Batman.

0:57:42 Best rendition of "woman nervously eating strudel" I've seen in many years.

0:59:30 The eating while talking: literally sounds like OM NOM NOM.

1:00:00 I would like to point out that I'm an hour into this movie and nowhere near even halfway done.  Life is difficult.

1:04:34 Churchill too?  Quite the all-star cast.

1:09:00 Jump cuts oh gods.

1:09:50 British spies always make rendezvous?  007 begs to differ.  Usually because he's in bed with someone.

1:19:52 Ooh boy, bar fight coming.  With heavy weapons.  This should be good.

1:21:45 Bar fight averted via film nerdery.  Impressive.  Gives me hope that my science nerdery may someday prevent bloodshed.  On the other hand, no bloody bar fight.  Bummer.

1:24:09 Oh, maybe we'll get some bloodshed after all.  I can hardly wait for the card game to finish.

1:28:00 For Christ's sake get to the killing already.

1:29:30 It's been so long since I've seen violence I can't remember what it is, and that scares me.

1:30:04 Oh, okay, maybe we are getting there.

1:30:40 Um, all right, lots of balls getting threatened.  Interesting times.  Most unusual Mexican standoff I can recall.

1:32:56 Worth the wait, would buy again.

1:36:55 Wow, that was not nice, lady.  Distinctly uncool.

1:38:25 Impressively simple and effective as a means of torture.  I salute you.

1:39:30 In retrospect, treating your main source and asset like that might not have been a great idea.

1:41:40 Hitler looks entirely too healthy and black 'stache'd for 1944.

1:44:25 Forensic analysis of this crime scene is how Satan deals with sinning CSI members.

1:46:00 Holy shit, is that Iggy Pop?  Awesome, yes.  Anachronistic, also yes.  And pretty colors, to boot.

1:47:00 I just realized, I don't think there's been a signature Tarantino foot fetish image so far.  I'm confused.  Of course, there's still 45 minutes left… dammit.

1:52:05 If this is what passes for maniacal laughter these days, acting schools need to step up their game.

1:53:35 OH GODS SUCH A BAD ACCENT.

1:54:05 Fake Southern accented Italian: most incredible terrible thing ever.  Also, SS membership apparently comes with a complementary subscription to language courses.

1:58:44 Oh, okay.  Foot fetish time.  Normalcy is restored.  I was beginning to worry about Mr. Tarantino.

2:00:00 AND THERE'S STILL 33 MINUTES LEFT SWEET CHRIST.

2:01:10 Charming fellows, these SS chaps.

2:02:42 Bonk.

2:03:30 We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Nazi.

2:04:36 He looks so smug!

2:08:55 I'm sorry, but Nazi officers (or any actual authority figures) should not make sounds like that.

2:10:40 So basically, to film the movie within the movie, they just screencapped a few rounds of CoD.

2:12:29 I'm eager to see how rocks fall and everyone dies.

2:14:01 So will that stuff actually explode, or will it just burn really fast?  I'm not sure how that's going to work.

2:15:26 Protip: dude, may as well ask for a private moonbase while you're at it, and the patents on oxygen and love and babies.

2:19:13 Sympathetic character?  No.  No no no.  When I say "die in a fire," in this case it's pretty literal.

2:19:54 That works too.

2:20:40 Now is NOT the time to get all sentimental, woman.

2:21:06 See what I mean?

2:21:30 Nice, a handgun.

2:22:19 And here we go.

2:22:30 Needs more Wilhelm Scream.

2:24:08 Wait what.  Did Hitler just get a cap in his ass?

2:24:30 "Holocaust 2: Revenge of the Jew"

2:25:34 Well, that was impressive.

2:27:35 It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

2:28:16 The old jokes are the best.

2:29:03 You're a classy man, Quentin Tarantino.

2:29:30 Well, that was that.  Yes.  "That."  Probably best to leave that at that.

Assorted Thoughts, Yes Indeed

• If the Pope gets a tumor, is it a Holy Mass?

• "Quantum entanglement" sounds like a good reason to use "it's complicated" as a Facebook relationship status.

• When filling out the application for the apartment I now reside in, I was asked about my "reason for leaving previous residence."  I wrote "Leaving home to seek my fortune."

• Speaking of that apartment, I was amused to note that before I was allowed to move in, I had to sign off on a form promising I wouldn't grow pot in the apartment.

• I have a twisted sort of relationship with used bookstores.  They hit my wallet because I love them.

• Peaceful coexistence becomes impossible when ants start consuming my cookies.

• You say "persistent vegetative state" like it's a bad thing.  Isn't that basically what the Buddha spent so long in to obtain enlightenment?

• So many people are concerned with what they think is the One True Faith.  I feel like more people should be concerned with finding the One True Feta.  Not me, though.  I'm not all that fond of cheese.

• The One True Fate, though, we've got a good handle on.  That would be death.

• Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort Voldemort.  See, that wasn't so bad, was it?

Slightly Vandalistic Edits

Some things are made better by addition.

• Add [citation needed] stickers to packages of Airborne's claims of efficacy.  When confronted, point out that they themselves state "These statements have not been evaluated by the Food and Drug Administration. These products are not intended to diagnose, treat, cure, or prevent any disease."  Clearly, you're just helping to draw attention to the phrasing on the box.
• Inside the front covers of the hysteria/propaganda books produced by luminaries like Ann Coulter and Glenn Beck, slap stickers reading Bullshit - Ten Points From Slytherin.
• Any books promoting a lack of vaccination earn a Caution: Your Children Will Die warning label.  Though not FDA-mandated, it should be.
• Adult toys being sold with a "For Novelty Use Only" label need an addendum of ... assuming you're in a state run by the Puritans.
• IRL products involving or promoting lolcats or other infantile memes get gb2intarwebs plastered across them.
• Stickers with the phrase That's Not Science have entirely too many applications in today's society.

Goals in Life

• Register for a whale-watching cruise; show up carrying a harpoon.
• Use the Dead Kennedys' "Let's Lynch The Landlord" as the ringtone for when the landlord calls.
• Immediately upon driving across the state line into California, crank up the Dead Kennedys' "California Über Alles" on the stereo.  ACCOMPLISHED 01/31/2011
• Invade Russia on my birthday, June 22; preferably accomplish by dashing across the border in a remote area, making a few faces, then running back onto safe ground.
• Use "p#uckd45y54dm1n" as a computer account password; forget password and request recovery in person.
• Breed pedigree velociraptors.
• Finally ask out that one girl I like.
• Print bumper stickers saying "I'm Compensating" and affix them to SUVs.
• Keep Gollum as a pet.

Lists of the Extraneous Variety

Best possible vanity plates for a car:

1. ADMAKBR

2. GOA TZE

3. EWOKH8R
4. ITROLLU

5. LOLWUT

6. FLCNPNC

7. OMNOM
8. 133735T

9. LUVBIEB

10. COQDNKY

11. WTFHAX

12. HALOPRO
13. IWSPHON
14. BBGTBAK

Animals that would be more awesome if they existed in "dire" versions:

1. Dire Opossum

2. Dire Budgerigar

3. Dire Lobster
4. Direr Badger

5. Dire Peasant

6. Dire Narwhal

7. Dire Panda
8. Dire Flea
9. Dire Gerbil

10. Dire Slow Loris
11. Dire Octopus

Best possible golems not made of foreskins:

1. Recursive golem: a golem made of smaller golems
2. Marshmallow golem

3. Lard golem

4. Dire badger golem

5. Marijuana golem

6. Shoelace golem

7. Katamari golem

8. Beard golem
9. Shark golem
10. Jesus golem
11. Flan golem
12. Edward Golem

Most awesome names of West Coast fish:

1. Sarcastic fringehead
2. Monkeyface prickleback 
3. Purple brotula
4. Beardless spearnose poacher
5. California tonguefish
6. Giant wrymouth
7. Fangtooth
8. Red Irish Lord sculpin
9. Popeye grenadier
10. Warty poacher
11. Spotted ratfish

The Wade Files: 2010

But wait, there's more!

I'm a goose.

I'M A GOOOOOSE!

I'LL SHIT ON YOUR LAWN!

I'M A GOOOOOOOOOSE!

• Playing Six Degrees of Wikipedia Hitler. Started with "Tentacle erotica", and got to Hitler with just two clicks. Oh yeah.
• Let's go on a date. You, me, and seven opossums. Oh, and a carton of vegetable oil.
• So if I drag you off your horse and demand your GP or your HP, do I get XP?
• It may not be disturbing to bone a halflingette, but it's sure disturbing to hear it phrased like that.
• I TROLL J0000000000
• I want to put together a series of educational books for today's youth. To reach them, I plan to combine classic children's literature with bad rap. My first offering will be entitled "Ice Ice Babar."
• I also have an idea for a movie about time-traveling dickgirls. I'm going to call it "Back to the Futa."
• I am a nonconformist, so instead of saying "hai" I will say ASGALAGLBLEEEEEN.

CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU
CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU
CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU
CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU
CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU
CRABSMURF IS WATCHING YOU

• Troll tattoo:

"KICK ASS, TAKE NAMES, WRITE FLAMES."

 Not necessarily in that order.
• HAAAAIIII. HAAAAAAIII.
  I will wave my stubby limbs at you.
• Proposal for a porno flick:
 "Oktoberfist."
• Also, if I ever own a place that has a parking lot, I'm going to put up big signs saying "Clueless Pedestrians Are Fair Game."
• This is the sound of me gnawing on your elbow.
• I want to get a job producing cheap knockoff games for the sole purpose of creating "Calamari Damacy."
• Let us never mix mini-golf and buttsecks, because I don't think the world is ready for "Putt Putt in the Butt."
• You should start a winery. Call it Rogue Wines, and produce Cabernet 
Stabignon.
• I really wish Dr. Seuss had been a writer for a local TV news station. I want lead-ins like "Chicks with dicks! Can they turn tricks? News tonight, at six!"
• "Yo momma has so many character flaws, she could give an entire village bonus feats."

The Wade Files: 2009

 Wade's Facebook wall: my personal brain-puke dumping ground.

• You know what'd be awesome? Piñatas full of bacon.

• What's a Rastafarian's favorite religious observance? 
Hash Wednesday!

• Happy birthday. Make sure you dispose safely of the hookers.
• So, next time the internet flakes out, I think I need to start a prison diary.
• Looking through my spam folder on Gmail, I found the best spam subject line ever:
 "This night your bedroom will be jungles and you wild tiger!"
• I just realized how much the RIAA is like Mario in its quest to shut down the Pirate Bay. They beat the Sweden world, but what do they get?
  "Nice try RIAA! But our servers are in another castle!"
• Have you heard about the new Pixar movie? It's going to be about a lovable baby fox and its attempts to stop evil developers bulldozing its forest. They're going to call it "Fur-E."
• New TV show idea:
 Pimp My Bride.
• So I have come up with a plan to create a critical mass of stupidity and destroy the internet. Combine the clientele of Yahoo Answers and YouTube. Call it YouTube Answers. There will be so much idiocy and flaming that the internet will self-destruct.
• Have you ever noticed how that calling Dungeons & Dragons a "roll-playing game" is just as accurate as saying it's a "role-playing game"?
• If it hadn't been for Cotton-Eyed Joe / 
I'd've gotten laid a long time ago / 
Who did you cum on
 / Who did you blow
 / Who did you cum on Cotton-Eyed Joe
• Least frightening serial killer ever: 
Hannibal Leper.
• I have finally come up with a title for my long-awaited zombie porn flick: "Night of the Throbbing Dead."  
I shall release it via a website which I will call "Captain Falcon's Castle of Fap."
• So, is ragequitting Wii Sports a) tragic, or b) hilarious?

The Wade Files: 2008

From my posts on Wade's Facebook wall, brutally decontextualized for your viewing pleasure.

• Dear gods, Chinese lead robots. We're really fucked now.
• I think I'm going to start saying "Main screen turn on" whenever I turn my computer on.
• Super Tuesday? More like Stick-it-in-her-pooper Tuesday, amirite?
• IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NO MORE OTTERS!

• I are lolcat haiku
 / I can has cheezburger nao
 / zomg why u wash me?

•  Don't make me put on my robe and wizard's hat.
• 'It is a beautiful summer day and a guy is walking down a pier on Lake Michigan and he sees one person at the end. He gets closer and notices that it is a girl in a chair. He gets even closer and notices that she is a paraplegic and is crying.
 He walks up to her and says, "What's the problem? It's a beautiful day. Why are you crying?"
 She says, "I'm 18 years old and I've never been kissed before." 
He gently picks her up and gives her the most passionate kiss ever. He sets her back down into her chair. She is still crying. 
The guy asks, "Why are you still crying? You had never been kissed before and I kissed you. Yet you are still crying. WTF?" 
She replies, "I'm 18 years old and I've never been fucked before." 
So he gently picks her up and throws her in the lake and says, "You're fucked now!"'
  I love the internet.

• Happy birthday, o Keeper of the Golden Walrus.

• Give you a walrus to tickle my pelvis?
• I was at the New England Aquarium today, and browsing through their gift shop, I noticed Steve Irwin playsets on a shelf. I knew what must be done. I placed a small plastic stingray next to the playsets.
•  When Steve Jobs gets in a fight, his favorite maneuver must be the iGouge.
 Pirates who raid Windows systems probably wear iPatches. 
I'm having a good night.
• Did you hear about the new trading card game based on the sexually-transmitted diseases of Bangkok prostitutes? 
The slogan is "Gotta catch 'em all!"
• The US military apparently uses the designation "PWN" for weather probe rockets launched from fixed pads. Sweet.
• I give you the Butt Elf.
• If you ever start a band, you should call it Tits and the GTFOs.
• I'd say drawing three Goatses at Midnight Breakfast constitutes a night well spent.
• I've decided that [friend] will die by being carried off by an angry group of moralistic vigilantes. Nobody will ever find the corpse. The last the world will know of [friend] is his scream "I will kill your families" fading into the distance as he is carried away on horseback.
• 'Two dwarves walked up to the front entrance of a convent and rang the bell.
 The Mother Superior answered the door, and the First Dwarf asked,
"Please sister, do you have any small nuns?" 
"What an odd question," replied Mother Superior, "What do you mean?" 
"We have a particular reason for asking, Mother," said the First Dwarf. "Do you have any nuns like us? Little people?" 
"Oh," replied the Mother Superior, "No, we don't. All our nuns are quite tall, in fact." 
The First Dwarf thanked the Mother Superior, and they turned around and trudged back down the path.
 "See," said the First Dwarf, "I told you you fucked a penguin."'
• When all else fails, just remember WWJDP. "Who Would Jesus Donkey Punch?"
• I've decided that if I ever make a beer, it will be called "Gimp Suit Ale."
• So, I've decided that you need to make some sort of porn book/movie/comic starring Elmer, the Knob-Gobblin' Hobgoblin.
• This is the postal service. It is made of mediocrity and fail.
• I think Judas is a pretty cool guy. Eh betrays saviors and doesn't afraid of anything.
• Ah, Wade. Where would I be without you?
Probably somewhere with some semblance of sanity remaining, actually.
• Your gift makes me stiff.

The Wade Files: 2007

The best nuggets of the Facebook wall posts I inflicted on dearest Wade in 2007.

• It strikes me that Schrödinger's camera could be singularly useless. You'd never know if it was working or not.
• Chicago? Fun. Why? How long? Tentacles?
• You should start writing your papers in hexadecimal. Nobody could read it, and would thus assume that it is great.
• I wanna be N00ba the Hutt!
• If you die, I am following you down to the underworld, and dragging you back to the land of the living. You cannot escape from entertaining me that easily.
• Q: Why did the chicken get blocked from the message board? 
A: For posting bukk-bukk-bukkake!
 ROFLWAFFELS!
• What's the worst Willamette-themed merchandise? 
Bearscat porn. 
I was proud of myself when I came up with that.
• The cat is not only dead, but radioactively dead.
• Next Halloween you should be a Tusken Wanker.
• Most frightening special move ever: "BALLSACK ATTACK!"
 In other news, if I ever become a mugger, I'm going to have my weapon of choice be the Trouser Snake. A live snake that pops out and bites people when you unzip your fly. Tell me that wouldn't be terrifying.