Assorted Thoughts 40: I'll Probably Have To Think Up A Themed Post Sooner Or Later Edition

• I recently was relieved to discover that I am not the only one who has nightmares related to breaking my computer.  It's still rather telling that such nightmares are invariably the scariest I have.
• A car in the supermarket parking lot had a bumper sticker reading "Treat me exactly like you would the Queen."  Knowing what I do of British tabloids, I have to wonder if that level of casual denigration, blatant mockery, and incredible scrutiny was quite what the car owner intended.
• I watched or listened to basically the entirety of the South Carolina Republican debate.  I think I learned my lesson, which is to say that if I feel like doing that ever again, giving myself a splenectomy with a rusty grapefruit spoon will be less painful in the long run.  Where did I leave that spoon?
• All the candidates were blatantly pandering to the Republican primary electorate, dominated by the key "Utter Psychopath" demographic.
• Four years of Latin in high school has left me able to do four things with the language: demand a kiss, rob a bank by use of siege weaponry, be slightly more able to interpret the root words of scientific names, and give a sarcastic modification of the gladiator's salute when the professor enters the room to deliver an exam.  Your call on which is more useful.
• There's a lot not to like about American Apparel, but you kind of have to admire a nominally clothing-oriented company that gives so few shits that they will post images that can only be described as soft-core pornography with nary a warning on their website.
• Mountain Dew bills itself as "low sodium" on the cans.  It's nice to know there's at least one way it probably won't kill me!
• I really wish there was a way to find enough data to run a correlation analysis between the presence of Infowars/conspiracy theory bumper stickers and Ron Paul stickers.  I mean, it's obviously there, but if only I could do it with scientific rigor.
• Some other grad students here work on ticks.  I like this, if only because it leads to some entirely too easy pun opportunities.  It is, after all, a ticklish subject.

Assorted Thoughts 39: Upon Further Reflection, It's Probably Really My Fault Edition

• Idea for a horror movie: Dracula, Ph.D.
• Things I have said: "Hookers are not tauntauns!  You cannot hollow out a hooker and use them as shelter from the cold!"  In context… no, still not really a sane thing to say.
• Has anyone ever seen Jeffrey Dahmer and the Cookie Monster in the same room together?  Just something to think about, I guess.
• I'm starting to work with ArcGIS for a class and it is, to quote myself, "a big pile of lots of things." I was struck by the fact you can bookmark favorite help topics. Perhaps it's my background of never reading manuals and tinkering until things work, but maybe if you have to look it up so often you should just REMEMBER THE DAMN THING AFTER THE FIRST COUPLE TIMES. 
• Is the damage from an undersea earthquake near the Grand Banks classified as being due to an act of cod? 
• Field hockey is apparently the blondest sport ever, to judge from my university's team.
• I suspect there is a market for a Swiss Army vibrator.  However, I also suspect Victorinox and the Swiss Army itself might have a thousand few cease and desist orders lying around just looking for an excuse.
• The word "killdozer" really needs to be used as a verb more often.

Assorted Thoughts 38: Everything Is Wrong And It's Your Fault Edition

• The fact that it's easier to buy green chile from Albuquerque in Damariscotta, Maine and mail it to Norfolk, Virginia than it is to find said chile in Norfolk is a depressingly good example of absurdist comedy.
• The Ex-Files: I Want To Bereave.
• If someone were to watch nothing besides ads on the evening television news, they'd certainly be justified in assuming that there's nobody in the country under the age of 60.
• Memo to drug companies: if your ads spend less time promoting your product than warning of all the horrific side effects, they're not good ads.  Stop making them.
• What with the Citizens United decision and super-PACs, electoral finance is now basically one giant episode of "Whoever wins, we lose."
• My grandfather recently got perhaps the most intimidating fortune cookie ever printed.  The fortune read "Tomorrow Morning, Take a left turn as soon as you leave home" and I'm really not sure if there's a non-sinister way to interpret that.
• While it's a slanderous exaggeration to say I would sleep through everything, it's probably fair to say I would be unconscious for the majority of it.
• There are few things more satisfying than managing to talk your way onto an earlier flight home without a change fee.
• I actually like the fact that my laptop produces an insane amount of heat.  I use it as a portable space heater and electric blanket.
• There are some ads on the radio for what I presume are Trojan Bare Skin condoms.  However, every time I hear it, I think it's referring to Bear Skin condoms and I really don't think that's a very good use of bears or at all conducive to safe sex.

Grab Bag 3: I Forgot This Needed A Title Before Posting And Didn't Notice for Two Weeks

• Nerds in movies never get good quips, because they're seldom brutally murdering security guards.  However, they have been known to hack the internet, so next time you're out hacking the internet as part of some nefarious plot, here's a quip for you to use: "QWERTY THIS, MOTHERFUCKER."
• "Mountain dew" is a term used for moonshine.  However, when I hear a bluegrass song extolling the virtues of mountain dew, I'm afraid I have rather different mental images.  ZERG RUSH KEKEKE.
• Really, at this point I should probably just rename this blog "Mountain Dew Appreciation Station - Now With Occasional Jokes!"
• Old people dancing: it's all fun and games until someone breaks a hip.

Games that sound much more fun than they actually are:

• Taser tag
• Bowling with nitroglycerin-filled pins
• Rabid lion taming
• Kindergarten boxing
• ICBM darts
• Dance Dance Elocution

My New Year's resolution list, in its entirety:

• Try not to die.