Assorted Thoughts 12: It's Easier Than Writing Something Cohesive

• The best possible food would be delicious, nutritious, and expeditious.  That's not so funny on it's own.  I just like the rhyme.

• Watching an illegal stream of TSN's broadcast of an NHL playoff game, the ads right before the second intermission were, in order, for makeup, a Hot Pockets analog, a Canadian political ad, child diapers, car racing, and the NHL Playoffs.  Finally, "This second intermission is brought to you by: Mr. Lube!"  Oh, Canada.
• I'll be honest.  I don't hate hipsters like everyone else does.  I actually think they're pretty funny.  It's not like I see many of them, but I'm really amused at how un-ironically they're their own stereotype.  It's not like they're doing or advocating anything actively detrimental to society, like the teen-angst libertarians/anarchists/Communists do.  I'm fine with them being hipsters, because if nothing else, I have something to laugh at.  I wish there were more things like them in this world.
• The best possible reason to buy a cereal: it's capable of sending a moose into a diabetic coma.
• One of the more worrisome sights you might find on a freeway: a beat-up car with license plates reading CHTCEVL.
• Relatedly, I'd be in favor of a senator with LWFLEVL plates.
• Most hilariously ironic, yet unintentional, purchase I've ever made: one toothbrush, one travel-sized tube of toothpaste, ten packages of Peeps.  In my defense, all of that had a legitimate purpose.
• Thoughts that come to me while in line for gas: THESE ARE DELICIOUS HYDROCARBONS YOU MUST EAT THEM
• I'm becoming increasingly convinced that there is a spawn point for semi trailers somewhere in the redwoods on Highway 101 between Eureka and Crescent City.
• I wish there were more agnostic Christians.  I have assume they believe in Schrödinger's Jesus.  He's both alive and dead!
• I live in fear of making the automated "Your Speed Is" signs disappointed and upset.
• When driving on the highway, I eventually get bored enough to start playing the fascinating game "Is that roadkill, or just a piece of tire?"
• You can definitely tell when I've been driving based on how many of these entries revolve around cars and driving.

Letting Me Out In Public Unsupervised Isn't Always A Wise Idea

A conversation, in text message form, occurring while I was riding a BART train to a baseball game:

• Me: Definitely a big fat guy on this BART train talking on his phone about 3e [D&D] weapons and strategy.  Serious business.  Sadly no neckbeard.  I wish I had my gelatinous cube costume.

• Wade: Just scream something along the lines of "Fighters are better than Wizards!"  And watch the nerdrage ensue.

• Me: Oh man, he has a ponytail too.  A Hawaiian shirt as well.  NEEEERD.

• Wade: THAT'S JUST TOO MUCH STEREOTYPE TO HANDLE
• Me: "You know, I'm just happy his character is alive." - This Guy
• Me: If I get off before he does, I'm definitely going to say "4th Edition is better" and sprint.
• Brett: Do it!
• Wade: DO IT. POST RESULTS.
• Me: "You know that guy you were playing chess with?  Yeah, David!" - This Guy
• Me: I think I scooted before he could process what had happened to his world and rage.  I'll be looking over my shoulder for the rest of the day, however.
• Wade: You, sir, win several internets.
• Brett: You are in the Bay Area, after all.  Caution is key.
• Me: I think I'm safe from nerdrage hiding here at the baseball game.
• Wade: That is a safe assumption. 

• [much later]

• Carrie: 3.5 is totes better

Assorted Thoughts 11: I Will Post This Even Though Nobody May Ever Read It

• I believe my sanity is somewhere on the Island of Stability.  That is to say, it's theorized to exist, but despite a great deal of time, money, and nuclear reactors, has not yet been discovered and nobody knows if it ever will be.
• I very much enjoy shooting down "deep" questions, like "what is the meaning of life?", by recourse to basic biology.
• It's really quite amusing how every NHL team, regardless of how deep in America it is located, seems to have at least one Canadian on the broadcast team.  Do people really emigrate to Nashville to provide color commentary?
• Some people lose their days to Cracked linking to other Cracked articles.  I lose my time to Cracked's links to Wikipedia.  I'm now researching derelict satellites orbiting Earth.
• Oh dear gods, now it's on to spacecraft in general.  Somebody help me.  I cannot stop myself.
• Wow, I almost totally forgot to read the rest of the article that started all this.
• As I started my car to drive home from Safeway, the radio didn't immediately come on, and I wondered why I'd turned it off as I put the baseball game back on.  A few minutes later, a particularly obnoxious credit score ad came on the air.  "Ah, now I remember," I said, as I reached down to turn off the radio.
• I got a fortune cookie that said something along the lines of "You should be able to achieve anything you desire."  That's possibly the worst affirmation of all time.  It's like saying "It's theoretically possible you can tie your shoes!"  Well, thanks.  Could you be a bit more concrete about whether I can do things or not?

Assorted Thoughts 10: Now With Double-Digit Numbers In The Title

• The height of irony is when Glenn Beck starts scolding others for saying anything to sell a book.
• You can track my progress around an REI store by following the little sounds of shock and horror I make every time I see a price tag.
• A restaurant featuring Indian-Pakistani food strikes me as a recipe for, ahem, explosive diarrhea.  Especially if you try the Chicken Kashmiri.
• I can do a very convincing Rip van Winkle impersonation.
• How much wort could an Elite wort wort if a wort wort wort wort wort?
• At some point, I'd really like for a guy to hold up a bunch of gas stations at gunpoint while wearing a suit and tie (and a white collar, naturally).  I think the mixture of criminal classes would be entertainingly confusing.
• Kool-Aid is too artificial.  For the more health-conscious cults, I think they should be drinking juice.  Call it sui-cider.
• Loleta, California: where the age of consent is merely a suggestion.
• It's surprisingly creepy to be driving along the freeway and see a car that is apparently an exact duplicate of yours coming closer in the rearview mirror.
• Also creepy: when my car's AM radio is on the edge of the range of the signal you want, and several stations compete for the frequency.  I hear multiple voices, but none are clear.  My radio is become Legion.

Grab Bag 1: Wherein I Desperately Attempt To Generate Enough Content For A Post

• I feel like Morgan Freeman should do more public service announcements.  I'm definitely more aware of colorectal cancer thanks to the one on the radio here.

• I want to start a gentleman's club staffed by Bangkok ladyboys and call it the Ack-Bar.  "It's a trap!" will be the slogan.

• You know you need a shave when you walk into your supervisor's office and they ask if you just got off a boat.

• I think that I'd rather get a phone call ordering me to drop everything and go to work during sex than during the seventh inning of a baseball game.  At least with the sex, you get to feel like James Bond.  With a ballgame, you just miss the end of the game.

• I'm a great believer in the power of better living through righteous fury.

• Toys that should never be made:

• G.I. Mujoehideen
• Medical Curiosity Barbie
• My First Hatchet Murder Playset
• Grow Your Own Teratoma
• Can O' Fissionable Fun
• Model Rocketry Lawn Darts

Assorted Thoughts 9: Is My Well Of Humor Running Dry Already?

• What does it mean for my life that I go directly from thinking about a Magic deck I could build to taking swings in the local batting cage?  Am I allowed to have this sort of amusement duality?
• Don't get me wrong, I'm a safe and old-womany driver.  I still treat the "caution, curves ahead, you should slow down" signs as less of a warning than a challenge.
• I will happily stay up until 3 AM if it means I get to watch Australian Rules Football, or cricket if I really don't have any other option.
• I am apparently the best and most appreciated table.  The compliments (?) people pay me.
• I've definitely spent too much time thinking about airplanes.  A hundred miles of distance seems really short after spending a while in a situation where 300 miles per hour is normal.
• Conversations you only hear after 3:30 AM: "You're punching my tits." "You're in my armpit."
• I was reading a book about cannibalism and it mentioned that the ancient Chinese had a method of pickling humans for consumption called "t'so."  That puts a whole new spin on the standard Chinese takeout dish of General Tso's chicken.
• In related news, books on cannibalism are clearly the best choice for mealtime reading matter.
• I never want to visit Drain, Oregon.  I hear it's a real sewer.
• Merlin, Oregon, on the other hand, seems like a magical place for a vacation.
• It's a pretty clear sign you've been playing too much Magic when you're going to sleep and realize that a) you've been playing a game in your head, and b) you just told your imaginary opponent "go" out loud.  It's worse when you're staying at a friend's house and they are trying to sleep in the same room.
• I cannot think of a sport less suited to radio sportscasting than golf.  Even after listening to some (due to lack of anything interesting, like baseball, or semi-competitive snail jousting) I cannot comprehend how anyone gains enjoyment or information from it.
• I would like to someday be known as the Great Equivocator.
• When I am driving around town, I am usually muttering/talking/yelling to myself.  It's usually either a) entirely incoherent babbling, b) ridiculously obscene, or most of the time, c) both.  I may or may not have run over the crazy guy on the street corner and treated him as a powerup.
• Almost 60% of the bulleted items in this list start with the letter I.  This seems like something that should be mentioned.

Assorted Thoughts 8: A Large Percentage Of These Are Work-Related

• It's remarkable how much better you feel about an unfortunate event when you can sum up with "At least I was wearing pants."

• I've clearly read too many books on forensics when I know the exact case of horrible murder a new book is talking about from their first two sentences of introduction.

• Four or five days without shaving is about as long as I can go before things get too itchy.  Coincidentally, that's about the length of an average boat trip for work.  The sad part is that after about five days' growth, even a razor with lightsabers for blades would get dull in a real hurry.

• I love biscuits.  However, biscuits made of used needles are a bad idea.

• You know how people will sometimes say "There's no wrong answer"?  They're lying.  There will always be a wrong answer.  Genocide is one of them.  You'd be surprised how often open-ended questions result in the promotion of crimes against humanity.

• Nerd prison: where you have to barter sexual favors for Mountain Dew.

• It probably says a lot about how weird I am that I make a game of trying to search for the exact title of the Wikipedia page I'm looking for, so there is absolutely no redirecting involved.  No capitalization, word order, or punctuation changes.

• I feel like the motion sickness tablets may not be doing their job right when I get nauseous just looking at their package.

• A working knowledge of 1337 is surprisingly useful when choosing passwords that are, in fact, good enough for government work.

• Getting tired while doing paperwork at 3 AM?  The answer is to crank up the Dead Kennedys.  Suddenly you are awake.  From personal experience, it seems that holidays in Cambodia mix well with fish weight data.
• After four days at sea, there is no contest: showers are much, much better than sex.