Assorted Thoughts 22: Getting My Shit Together (Maybe) Edition

• Humans suffer from anaphylactic shock.  Perhaps a lich would suffer from anaphylacteric shock.
• What we need is a Konami code to revert the internet to 1997-style.
• It's really hard to picture Elton John as a top.  Just saying.
• As you may know, I recently drove across the country.  One observation was how flat the Midwest is.  While I slept, my friend who was taking a shift at the wheel likened the experience of crossing the straight, flat roads of Texas to being on Halo.  If given the choice, I would rather fight the Covenant with my bare hands than drive through Texas.  I hate that place.
• A notation verbatim from my little notebook full of directions and random thoughts:
• Mariachi – WITH BAGPIPES
• I'd like to see someone carrying a "Will Romance for Sex" sign. 
• When walking around San Francisco's Chinatown, it's probably unwise to assume all drugstores are fronts for opium dens.
• Walking into a store and demanding Pocky because "it's all Asian, right?" is also a poor life choice.
• Raisins: the original date rape.
• Note to self: have actual sex to the funky '70s porno music at some point in life.  Perhaps grow mustache for occasion? – editor

2012 Political Sloganeering

With a little help from my friends, I have helpfully compiled this list of potential slogans for the candidates in the 2012 Presidential election.

Obama 2012:

• Because I don't want to go to war in Iran too.
• Mediocrity or the Dark Ages?  The choice is clear.
• At least you won't be forced to drink the Kool-Aid.
• The alternatives speak for themselves.

Romney 2012:

• What would you like me to tell you?
• Slimy politicians with negotiable principles: what America needs most today.

Cain 2012:

• [insert Islamophobic slur here]
• Anyone who tells you that running a pizza chain is not adequate preparation for the presidency is probably an illegal immigrant.

Perry 2012:

• The good news you hear is the sound of the cross bashing your skull in.

Bachmann 2012:

• Why should Afghanistan have all the Taliban fun?
• God told my husband to tell me to tell you that Uncle Sam wants you to run gays over with a tractor.
• Bringing America a rosy new dawn by the light from the burning books and gays.

Paul 2012:

• If I tell you that I voted for him, will you shut up on the internet?
• Still running, still irrelevant, still with the annoying fanboys.

2012 election, general:

• The world's ending anyway, so really, what does it matter?

Assorted Thoughts 21: The 50th Overall Post Edition

• Allow me to summarize about 80% of all conversation in online first-person shooter gaming: "What?  Someone is better at this game than me?  Preposterous!  Clearly they are cheating!  What utter balderdash.  Kindly desist in your use of such appalling "hax," sirrah!  Also, I question your sexuality."
• If you ever need to check if someone is a Californian, there's a simple way: tell them that you think In-N-Out Burger, while decent, is nothing exceptional and you don't understand why it seems to be deified.  Non-Californians will nod and say that seems reasonable.  Californians will attempt to rip your spinal column out via your ear and bludgeon you to death with it.
• The Roman emperors used bread and circuses to keep their populace in check.  We've come a long way since then.  All the United States government needs is the circuses.  Thank you, reality television
• I really can't tell whether the most agonizing hours of my life are those I've spent waiting in hospitals or the times when my internet connection has gone on strike.
• Death cactus panda!  Prove me wrong.
• It's been noted that we only really notice how reliant we are on the internet and technology when we lose access to it.  Some people respond by trying to wean themselves off their dependence on the internet.  I respond by trying to wean myself off my dependence on unreliable ISPs.
• Those gigantic RVs that congest all highways are among the worst things ever.  If I ever come into enough money that I can be exempt from criminal prosecution, I intended to make a hobby of hunting them down with antitank missiles.
• Things one probably shouldn't say whilst cuddling, even if provoked: "I WILL MURDER YOU AND ALL YOU HOLD DEAR!"
• My favorite breed of dog is kitten.
• Ever noticed how much a Pokéball resembles the Death Star?
• Coincidence?  I THINK NOT.
• Linn County, Oregon, has big signs along I-5 pronouncing it the "Grass seed capital of the world."  Personally, I think that's about the most depressing possible advertisement for your area.  "Hey look!  The only thing we have to be proud of is a lot of grass.  Hooray!"