The Wade Files: 2008

From my posts on Wade's Facebook wall, brutally decontextualized for your viewing pleasure.

• Dear gods, Chinese lead robots. We're really fucked now.
• I think I'm going to start saying "Main screen turn on" whenever I turn my computer on.
• Super Tuesday? More like Stick-it-in-her-pooper Tuesday, amirite?
• IN THE NAME OF ALL THAT IS HOLY, NO MORE OTTERS!

• I are lolcat haiku
 / I can has cheezburger nao
 / zomg why u wash me?

•  Don't make me put on my robe and wizard's hat.
• 'It is a beautiful summer day and a guy is walking down a pier on Lake Michigan and he sees one person at the end. He gets closer and notices that it is a girl in a chair. He gets even closer and notices that she is a paraplegic and is crying.
 He walks up to her and says, "What's the problem? It's a beautiful day. Why are you crying?"
 She says, "I'm 18 years old and I've never been kissed before." 
He gently picks her up and gives her the most passionate kiss ever. He sets her back down into her chair. She is still crying. 
The guy asks, "Why are you still crying? You had never been kissed before and I kissed you. Yet you are still crying. WTF?" 
She replies, "I'm 18 years old and I've never been fucked before." 
So he gently picks her up and throws her in the lake and says, "You're fucked now!"'
  I love the internet.

• Happy birthday, o Keeper of the Golden Walrus.

• Give you a walrus to tickle my pelvis?
• I was at the New England Aquarium today, and browsing through their gift shop, I noticed Steve Irwin playsets on a shelf. I knew what must be done. I placed a small plastic stingray next to the playsets.
•  When Steve Jobs gets in a fight, his favorite maneuver must be the iGouge.
 Pirates who raid Windows systems probably wear iPatches. 
I'm having a good night.
• Did you hear about the new trading card game based on the sexually-transmitted diseases of Bangkok prostitutes? 
The slogan is "Gotta catch 'em all!"
• The US military apparently uses the designation "PWN" for weather probe rockets launched from fixed pads. Sweet.
• I give you the Butt Elf.
• If you ever start a band, you should call it Tits and the GTFOs.
• I'd say drawing three Goatses at Midnight Breakfast constitutes a night well spent.
• I've decided that [friend] will die by being carried off by an angry group of moralistic vigilantes. Nobody will ever find the corpse. The last the world will know of [friend] is his scream "I will kill your families" fading into the distance as he is carried away on horseback.
• 'Two dwarves walked up to the front entrance of a convent and rang the bell.
 The Mother Superior answered the door, and the First Dwarf asked,
"Please sister, do you have any small nuns?" 
"What an odd question," replied Mother Superior, "What do you mean?" 
"We have a particular reason for asking, Mother," said the First Dwarf. "Do you have any nuns like us? Little people?" 
"Oh," replied the Mother Superior, "No, we don't. All our nuns are quite tall, in fact." 
The First Dwarf thanked the Mother Superior, and they turned around and trudged back down the path.
 "See," said the First Dwarf, "I told you you fucked a penguin."'
• When all else fails, just remember WWJDP. "Who Would Jesus Donkey Punch?"
• I've decided that if I ever make a beer, it will be called "Gimp Suit Ale."
• So, I've decided that you need to make some sort of porn book/movie/comic starring Elmer, the Knob-Gobblin' Hobgoblin.
• This is the postal service. It is made of mediocrity and fail.
• I think Judas is a pretty cool guy. Eh betrays saviors and doesn't afraid of anything.
• Ah, Wade. Where would I be without you?
Probably somewhere with some semblance of sanity remaining, actually.
• Your gift makes me stiff.