Assorted Thoughts 4: Revenge of the Assorted Thoughts

• I want to hack into the computer files for the TV networks that broadcast the Victoria's Secret Fashion show and change its title in all their graphics to the "Victoria's Secret Fascist Show."

• Can we stop pretending James Joyce is at all worth reading yet?

• Idea for a video game: Moral Kombat.  Make people with wildly different views on life fight for your amusement.  Kim Il-Sung versus Joe McCarthy should be hilarious.  Gandhi and Glenn Beck would also be a fun bout.

• Yes, in fact, I am secure enough in my manhood to buy issues of Cosmopolitan.  They're definitely for a friend, though.  Not me.  Really.

• There need to be more hats shaped like octopuses.

• I feel like blackmailing people to do as you say or you'll eat their children could be an effective means of communication.

• Q: A carnivore is trolling a vegan message board.  What is the appropriate response?  A: Use the branhammer.

• Movie pitch: "Attack of the Killer Vibrator."  The theme song is basically that from "Jaws," but on a kazoo.

• A book that does not exist and must never exist: "Prancing in Lansing: Bobby the Unicorn's Magical Child Abduction Manual."