Facebook Status Recaps

According to various Facebook status updates over the last three or so years, I am...

… the man with the strength of a dozen pygmy three-toed sloths.

… still of the opinion that you cannot prove to the satisfaction of the court that you are not "delicious when broiled and served over a bed of pilaf."

… convinced that in a horribly ironic karmic mixup, the Dalai Lama will be reincarnated as the next incarnation of James Bond.

… the once and future pangolin.

… the most belligerent pelican.

… the Jackson Pollock of fence painters.

… the definition of "TL;DR".

… forever aspiring to one day be a medical curiosity.

… a feature, not a bug

… now with 20% less OHGODSGONNADIEGONNADIE.

… watching you.

… an agent of entropy.

… the master of bizarre noises.

… Captain Pedantic.

… urging the oppressed drop-bears of the planet to rise up against their tormentors.

… a rampaging sloth.

… of the opinion that the best alarm call that a sentry could ever give would be, "Hide your sheep! The Scots are coming!"

… gurgling relentlessly.

… almost certainly not a catfish.

… tweaked out on caffeine approximately 73% of the time I spend awake.

… the God of Standardized Tests.

… dreaming of a day when coroners may be free to write "hyperlinks" as a legal cause of death.

… One with the Google.

… amazed at the amount of biodiversity that can be stepped upon.

… convinced that Mountain Dew verges on being a performance-enhancing drug for academics.

… a monstrous creature with caffeine for blood.