Psuedo-Liveblogging "Inglorious Basterds"

DVDs were pretty cheap at Target recently, so I splurged and picked up a few, including Quentin Tarantino's Inglorious Basterds.  I hadn't seen it before, but I'm well aware of Tarantino's reputation and have seen some of his films, so I was expecting something very warped, bizarre, and morbidly funny.  I thought it might be an interesting experiment to jot down notes regarding it, and the approximate times from the DVD track.  The following is what I wrote, but be aware, by its very nature, it's pretty much as spoilery as you can get:

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Loading screen: The FBI really needs to update their anti-piracy slide.  It's straight out of the '80s.

0:00:02 Rating screen says only brief sexuality?  Booooring.

0:00:56 Fassbender?  Dear Christ, I thought this was Tarantino.  I'm in for a world of hurt.  Oh, wait, I'm thinking of Fassbinder.  Carry on.

0:01:20 Omar Doom is an awesome name… for a supervillain.

0:02:00 "Once upon a time in Nazi-occupied France" is entirely nonspecific.  That was quite a while.  And depending on where in France you are, it might still be true.

0:02:10 Oh wait, now they say 1941. Disregard my previous comment.

0:04:something Subtitles make any film better to watch.  Right, fanboy/girl/things?

0:05:25 Herr Colonel, you're not a very intimidating stormtrooper when you ask for milk instead of wine.  Stop that.

0:06:05 Though the quaffing of the milk was pretty impressive.

0:07:00 Splitting the party never ends well.  Children, why did you go outside?

0:09:10 Angry Frenchman looks a lot like a lumberjack.  Maybe he's French-Canadian.

0:11:38 Bob the French Jewish dairy farmer.  I like this name.

0:17:05 That is the most ridiculous pipe I have ever seen.

0:21:44 Brad Pitt, make the accent stop, please.

0:22:00 The drill sergeants of these guys must have been faced with the choice of killing themselves in shame or getting rid of these recruits any way they can.  Since killing Army property isn't okay, the kids got shuffled off to a suicide squad.

0:24:05 Pitt's accent is already slipping in and out.  I'm in for a long movie.

0:24:22 I like the pimp-cape, Hitler.

0:25:56 The best way to make Hitler funny is to have him say "Bear Jew."

0:26:42 Hell yeah Ennio Morricone.

0:33:47 Tarantino, for all your flaws and they are many, you are one hell of a director when it comes to cinematography.

0:34:37 Brutal and twisted it may be, but I like the idea of toting a Louisville Slugger around France.

0:35:10 The Bear Jew is a Red Sox fan.  I'm not sure whether I'm proud or ashamed.

0:39:50 I'd like to take this moment to point out that even I'm better at hitting on people than this guy.

0:41:25 Oooh, the German private has a name.  What's the betting line on the horrific manner of death?

0:47:00 Even more ooh.  He's famous.  The odds of truly grotesque slaughter just skyrocketed.

0:48:15 I keep saying to myself "But they don't have probable cause to detain her!"  Then I remember that this is Nazi rule.

0:49:43 Yes, Mister Tarantino, we kinda get the idea of how jobs with Goebbels are handed out just by LOOKING at her.  Did we need to get the flapping and slapping?  Also animalistic grunts, apparently.  I feel like Goebbels would probably be a little too uptight for anything more than consensual sexual activity for the purposes of procreation in the missionary position and with the lights off.

0:53:00 Goebbels is a bit out of character from reality, I think.  Which is sad, because Hitler totally wasn't.

0:54:00 That bass was impressive enough in my earbuds.  In theaters, I bet there were a few cardiac arrests.

0:56:25 No reason to be anxious, except he's A MEMBER OF THE FUCKING SS.  It's like the Goddamn Batman, only genocidal and not at all like the goddamn Batman.

0:57:42 Best rendition of "woman nervously eating strudel" I've seen in many years.

0:59:30 The eating while talking: literally sounds like OM NOM NOM.

1:00:00 I would like to point out that I'm an hour into this movie and nowhere near even halfway done.  Life is difficult.

1:04:34 Churchill too?  Quite the all-star cast.

1:09:00 Jump cuts oh gods.

1:09:50 British spies always make rendezvous?  007 begs to differ.  Usually because he's in bed with someone.

1:19:52 Ooh boy, bar fight coming.  With heavy weapons.  This should be good.

1:21:45 Bar fight averted via film nerdery.  Impressive.  Gives me hope that my science nerdery may someday prevent bloodshed.  On the other hand, no bloody bar fight.  Bummer.

1:24:09 Oh, maybe we'll get some bloodshed after all.  I can hardly wait for the card game to finish.

1:28:00 For Christ's sake get to the killing already.

1:29:30 It's been so long since I've seen violence I can't remember what it is, and that scares me.

1:30:04 Oh, okay, maybe we are getting there.

1:30:40 Um, all right, lots of balls getting threatened.  Interesting times.  Most unusual Mexican standoff I can recall.

1:32:56 Worth the wait, would buy again.

1:36:55 Wow, that was not nice, lady.  Distinctly uncool.

1:38:25 Impressively simple and effective as a means of torture.  I salute you.

1:39:30 In retrospect, treating your main source and asset like that might not have been a great idea.

1:41:40 Hitler looks entirely too healthy and black 'stache'd for 1944.

1:44:25 Forensic analysis of this crime scene is how Satan deals with sinning CSI members.

1:46:00 Holy shit, is that Iggy Pop?  Awesome, yes.  Anachronistic, also yes.  And pretty colors, to boot.

1:47:00 I just realized, I don't think there's been a signature Tarantino foot fetish image so far.  I'm confused.  Of course, there's still 45 minutes left… dammit.

1:52:05 If this is what passes for maniacal laughter these days, acting schools need to step up their game.

1:53:35 OH GODS SUCH A BAD ACCENT.

1:54:05 Fake Southern accented Italian: most incredible terrible thing ever.  Also, SS membership apparently comes with a complementary subscription to language courses.

1:58:44 Oh, okay.  Foot fetish time.  Normalcy is restored.  I was beginning to worry about Mr. Tarantino.

2:00:00 AND THERE'S STILL 33 MINUTES LEFT SWEET CHRIST.

2:01:10 Charming fellows, these SS chaps.

2:02:42 Bonk.

2:03:30 We're off to see the wizard, the wonderful wizard of Nazi.

2:04:36 He looks so smug!

2:08:55 I'm sorry, but Nazi officers (or any actual authority figures) should not make sounds like that.

2:10:40 So basically, to film the movie within the movie, they just screencapped a few rounds of CoD.

2:12:29 I'm eager to see how rocks fall and everyone dies.

2:14:01 So will that stuff actually explode, or will it just burn really fast?  I'm not sure how that's going to work.

2:15:26 Protip: dude, may as well ask for a private moonbase while you're at it, and the patents on oxygen and love and babies.

2:19:13 Sympathetic character?  No.  No no no.  When I say "die in a fire," in this case it's pretty literal.

2:19:54 That works too.

2:20:40 Now is NOT the time to get all sentimental, woman.

2:21:06 See what I mean?

2:21:30 Nice, a handgun.

2:22:19 And here we go.

2:22:30 Needs more Wilhelm Scream.

2:24:08 Wait what.  Did Hitler just get a cap in his ass?

2:24:30 "Holocaust 2: Revenge of the Jew"

2:25:34 Well, that was impressive.

2:27:35 It's easier to beg forgiveness than ask permission.

2:28:16 The old jokes are the best.

2:29:03 You're a classy man, Quentin Tarantino.

2:29:30 Well, that was that.  Yes.  "That."  Probably best to leave that at that.