Just Throw Me To The Lions Already

I am never one to shy away from controversy.  That said, this may provoke even more of a shitticane than usual, so let's just jump right in:

Fuck Skittles.

They're a terrible candy.  It's like someone decided to combine all the objectionable aspects of every sort of candy they could imagine into one small, strange-tasting, gummy little pebble.  There are so many things wrong with them.  Let's start with the wrapper itself.  It's not quite paper, not quite plastic.  Feels weird, tears oddly, and bothers me.  M&M wrappers are bad, but this is somehow worse.  Then we get to the candies themselves.  First off, the colors are somewhat off-putting.  I'm not sure that things the color of acid snot and antifreeze are really meant to be ingested, but these days artificial coloring is just what happens, so it's a wash.  Then they're just plain tiny.  That's fine for chocolate things, but not for something that seems more like it should come rolled up in a big spool.  Biting into a Skittle is a terrible experience.  There's the crunchy outer shell, which gets you to expect more of the same, but it suddenly turns to gum in your mouth and you get confused.  It tastes like bad, because it's really impossible to flavor a small piece of putty to resemble anything but artificial flavoring and possibly radiation.  While you're chewing on this lump of something masquerading as edible, it decides to have fun at your expense and do the Butterfinger trick of getting itself wedged in as many spots in your mouth as possible and hunkers down in there with the strength of a steroidal limpet.  So even after you think you're done with the packet of horrors, they linger with you for hours until you can work it all dislodged.  Before you tell me to just go brush my teeth, let me remind you that toothbrushes do nothing against the adherent forces of sugary aberrations.
So Skittles suck, and that's just the regular variety.  Let's not even start on Sour Skittles, which are better known as the best friends of interrogators at Guantanamo Bay.
I hate all that is good and pure in the world.