Ben's Helpful And Mildy Deranged Relationship Pointers

On making the first move: There's really no way in existence of making "first contact" that isn't in some way tremendously awkward.  Seriously, go look at the human-promotion propaganda that we sent out for alien consumption on the Voyager spacecraft.

On being informed of another's interest in you: Let's just say reacting with "Oh, shit" is frowned upon in polite society.

On expressing a reciprocal interest in one who is interested in you: "Me too!  Let's bang!" is generally going to be less effective than acting somewhat shy and demure, even if you're God's gift to promiscuity.

On gifts for significant others: We're apparently supposed to say it with flowers or the blood of impoverished Africans diamonds.  I say that's stupid.  While they make look nice until they wilt unto death (in a charming metaphor for humanity), flowers don't do much, really.  I prefer something more tangible.  Therefore, I propose saying it with artichokes.  They look almost like flowers, and are quite tasty as a bonus.

On refusing unwanted advances: Tell them "no," but if they persist, remind them gently but firmly that Grandpa's shotgun here has a hair trigger and you're a little twitchy at the moment, and it'd be mighty unfortunate if anything were to cause you to flinch.

On choosing a personal lubricant: Everyone differs in what they like, but this author has had promising results with Tiger Balm.

On actually talking a pretty girl: Mumbling incoherently while staring at your shoes is absolutely not the most efficient way to give them the message that you like them.

On breaking up: It's easy to show that you still wish to be friends with your soon-to-be ex.  If you move all your stuff and less than half of theirs out before they arrive home and the house is not on fire, it's assumed that you're not really angry at them, but just needed space.  However, if it's not you, it's them, a cleverly-concealed pitfall trap filled with punji sticks in the living room is probably the best way to get them to take a hint.

On happy living with a significant other: Why the hell do you expect me to have any input on this?